No Sleep Tonight
by champagne for the pain
Summary: Blaise has had enough of Draco and Hermione's constant shagging. Poor Blaise trope ftw!


_a/n: My friend novacanemalfoy and I love to create scenarios when we text. This is the result of our text convo from last night. Enjoy!_

* * *

Blaise Zabini was _pissed off_. Honestly, at this point, as he trudged up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower with a pillow in his hand and a blanket over his shoulder at three in the _bloody_ morning, that felt like a gross understatement. It was one thing to invade his dorm room every night, but to wake him up from a peaceful slumber? That was where he drew the line!

For what seemed like fucking forever, his best mate, Draco Malfoy, had been infatuated with Gryffindor's bookworm, Hermione Granger. It was bad enough when Blaise had to hear Draco's rants thinly veiling his feelings for the muggle-born every second of every day ("Her hair is abnormally bushy! I bet it wouldn't even feel good to run my fingers through it!" "Do you see the way her little mouth is constantly spewing out facts no one cares about? I mean it's not like she's hideous, Blaise; I'm sure she could find better uses for that mouth…" "Granger's skirt is way shorter than usual today. Someone should really take five points from—Merlin, did you see her bend over just now? She… t-that's totally inappropriate for a school setting!"), but then they'd actually gotten together! From what Blaise had gathered (not only from what Draco told him, but from witnessing it all himself), it had started as hate-fucking and, over time, turned into the most disgustingly mushy romance ever.

And they had sex, like, constantly.

All of Slytherin House knew by this point, yet somehow, no one in Gryffindor seemed to be aware of the fact their resident bookworm sneaked out every night to be with her pale blond git of a boyfriend.

Well, that was about to change.

Blaise arrived at the portrait door that led into the Gryffindor common room. "Hey… psst… Fat Lady! Wake up!"

The woman in the portrait opened one eye disdainfully. "It is bedtime," she snapped. "And you don't live here."

"Yeah, I know. Do me a favor and wake one of the Gryffindorks so they can let me in."

The portrait huffed. "I will do no such thing! It is _bedtime_. Go to your own room."

"Gee, I'd love to, but unfortunately my best mate is too busy fucking his girlfriend for me to get any sleep!" It was so odd: in another universe, Blaise imagined he'd rather like waking up to the sounds of a girl's pleasured moans. But considering these moans had been emitting from half of the most annoying couple on Earth, and considering the girl hadn't been moaning his name but Draco's, Blaise was ready to lose his damn mind.

"Language!" the portrait promptly reprimanded.

Suddenly, Blaise got an idea.

"But that's what they're doing: fucking. And from as loud as she was being, it sure did sound like she was getting it hard—"

"Oh, just come in!" The door swung open, and the Fat Lady gestured inside. "So long as you stop being so obscene…"

Blaise smirked. "Thank you, ma'am."

He strolled in to find the Gryffindor common room, obviously, empty. He imagined the only Gryff who would use the common room in the middle of the night would be Granger for studying. But clearly she had found something much more interesting to study tonight in Malfoy's bed.

Grumbling to himself, Blaise plodded up the stairs to the girls' dorms. There he found the only empty bed: Granger's. He toed off his shoes and threw her pillows on the floor. Then he situated his own Tempur-Pedic Tempur-Cloud Breeze Dual Cooling Pillow behind his head, covered up with his blanket, drew the curtains shut, and drifted off to sleep.

Five hours later, Parvati Patil and Ginny Weasley threw open Hermione's curtains, shouting for their friend to wake up and go to breakfast with them. When they discovered Blaise sound asleep instead, Parvati's eyes grew wide with alarm. She turned to her redheaded housemate for a reaction, but Ginny only smirked and said, "I'm not surprised."

* * *

Blaise trekked into his dorm room at about five in the afternoon. He felt like a zombie. Since his first, he'd spent several nights in Gryffindor Tower (he'd managed to get the password out of Hermione one night once she'd finished blowing Malfoy by reasoning that, if the two lovebirds insisted upon being so bloody loud, the least she could do was ensure he had somewhere quiet to sleep), but now it was the middle of the day and Blaise was hoping against hope that meant he could get some shut-eye in his own bed for once. He hadn't been sleeping much on the days he didn't resort to leaving the dorm, and he was sure he'd pass out if he didn't take a quick nap.

"Don't make any noise," he ordered Goyle. The larger boy was sprawled out on his bed, stuffing his face with what appeared to be the entire lunchtime dessert menu. Blaise had long ago stopped questioning how Crabbe and Goyle got their sweets. "I'm exhausted and don't want my nap to be disrupted."

Goyle gave him a distracted thumbs up as he continued to chow down on a cupcake.

Blaise rolled his shoulders twice then slipped under the covers of his own bed. Oh, how peaceful the quiet was!

A whole four minutes had gone by when he heard distant voices…

"If you weren't such a swot all the time—"

"If you weren't such an arrogant prick—"

"It's part of my charm and you know it, Granger."

"Oh, please, Malfoy, nothing about your attitude is charming!"

Oh no.

 _You're hallucinating_ , Blaise told himself. _They're not real._

The door swung open and, sure enough, in walked Draco and Hermione, caught in one of their usual rows which always always _always_ ended in makeup sex.

Blaise was having none of it.

"HOLD UP!" The dark-skinned wizard jumped to his feet and pointed a shaking finger at the lovers. "I have barely gotten any sleep for the past month because of you lot! I was finally almost conked out, and then you two show up! I know what your fights lead to, and I won't stand for it! I won't! You will not shag each other senseless in the middle of Blaise's nap time!"

Hermione turned from her boyfriend to face his best mate. "Don't worry, Blaise," she told him kindly, tucking an unruly piece of brown hair behind her ear. "We're only going to study."

"Ha!" Goyle grinned and kept stuffing his face as he watched the drama unfold. Even he knew that was bullshit.

Draco threw an icy-gray glare his minion's way. "We are. There's a big Transfiguration test next week, and Granger just _has_ to get an O or she'll _die_."

"Hey!" Hermione started to protest before she realized he was only teasing. Draco smirked playfully, leant down, and kissed her on the forehead. The tension immediately faded from her features and was replaced with a smile. She slipped her small hand into his bigger one and let him lead her to his bed. Hermione situated herself on the mattress while Draco drew the curtains.

"If you need us…" The blond finished closing them off from the rest of the room's occupants. "Don't."

"I swear to Merlin, if I start hearing _sounds_ …" Blaise grouchily returned to his bed and closed his eyes tight. Maybe if he fell asleep quickly, he wouldn't even know what they did next.

A few minutes passed by with no noise other than Goyle's incessant chewing and Draco and Hermione's hushed voices talking about Transfiguration. Maybe this was his miracle. Maybe the universe knew the young wizard had suffered through so many sleepless nights, it was now granting him a few hours of sleep during the day.

Blaise was halfway into a dream when he was reminded of why he was not an optimist.

"Draco, don't talk about Harry and Ron like that."

"Granger, all I'm saying is I'd bet a good chunk of my inheritance they've at least thought about it."

"Oh, stop being so crude! They're best friends, not to mention straight!"

"Yeah. _Okay_."

"Do I need to punish you?"

The mattress squeaked and Hermione squealed as Draco undoubtedly pulled her on top of him. "Mmm, please. I love it when you punish me..." His mouth surely attached itself to her neck because suddenly the wet _smack!_ of lips on skin slipped through the curtains.

Hermione moaned.

Blaise practically shot out of bed. "OH FOR THE LOVE OF…" He gathered his Gryffindor Tower Sleepover Essentials and stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. But that didn't muffle the sound of Goyle laughing himself to tears.

The pissed off Slytherin was willing to wager he made it to the portrait in record time. He fed the Fat Lady the password and stormed into the common room—only today it was full of people. Obviously; it was the middle of the day. No matter. He was on a mission to get some rest, and he'd be damned if he let a few Gryffindorks stand in his way.

Several members of his rival House looked up and stared, but only two caught his eye. He saluted the two-thirds of the Golden Trio he didn't currently want to strangle, greeted them with a quick, "Potter. Weasley," and tramped his way up the girls' staircase.

Ron quizzically turned to his best mate. "What the bloody hell was that all about?"

Harry blushed and stared down at their game of wizard's chess. "I dunno…" Ron didn't need to know the details his sister had filled Harry in on, how Blaise frequently showed up to the girls' dorms in the middle of the night and slept in Hermione's empty bed, muttering about how much he hated Malfoy and her both. Ginny waggling her eyebrows told Harry all he never wanted to know, and he wouldn't wish that information upon anyone.

When Ginny and Parvati returned to their dorm room later that evening to find Blaise sleeping like a baby in Hermione's bed, they threw up their hands and yelled, "AGAIN?"

* * *

He didn't break until three weeks later.

"Why… Mr. Zabini… would I give you five bottles of Sleepless Dream Potion?" Snape was beyond Not Amused, but Blaise couldn't be bothered to care—he could barely keep his eyes open, for Salazar's sake! "I happen to know the dosage Madam Pomfrey gives to students who actually need it, and—"

"Trust me, Professor," Blaise cut in. "I need it. I need it more than anyone else in this school."

The Head of Slytherin House had never seen one of his most popular students grovel before. "Why?" he ventured to ask.

The distraught wizard looked at him gravely. "You don't want to know."

Casually, Snape used some light Legilimens to take a look inside the boy's mind.

 _Blaise was enjoying a rare night of sleep in his own bed when suddenly his subconscious was invaded with the sounds of a girl whimpering._

" _Oh, Draco, please!"_

" _Tell me what you want, Princess."_

" _P-Please make me c-come!"_

" _You're so fucking beautiful when you're uninhibited, you know that? So desperate to come on my cock. Come for me, Granger. Now!"_

" _Oh, Godric, YES!"_

Snape's eyes turned to saucers. He threw his entire supply of Sleepless Dream Potion at Blaise then practically sprinted to Headmaster Dumbledore's office to beg him to Obliviate the past thirty minutes from his mind.

* * *

Blaise used the potion up in a week.

He may or may not have been overdosing because _Draco and Hermione have sex way too loudly and Draco's too much of a prick to think of his housemates and put up a fucking silencing charm and he probably gets off knowing we can hear him making the ever so Prim and Proper Hermione Granger beg for his cock, the git_ , and sure, that had gotten him a few nights of shut-eye in his own bed, but now he was right back to being miserable at night and falling asleep during the day. In class.

More specifically in Professor Snape's class. The man had seemingly forgotten their conversation from a week ago because more than once had he demanded to know who stole his own personal supply of Sleepless Dream Potion. "Why… do you keep falling asleep in my class, Mr. Zabini?" he demanded.

From the desk in front of him, Draco turned around and grinned at his best mate. "Yeah, Blaise. Why so tired?"

Blaise had never hated someone so much in his life. He bore all his emotion into the blond's eyes and stated, "I am going to kill you."

Goyle dissolved into hysterics, Crabbe uncomfortably stared at the floor, and Theo raised Draco's arm all champion style and started cheering.

Ron's eyebrows crinkled. "The fuck are those wankers on about now?"

Hermione bit back a smile and continued taking notes.

Harry turned redder than their House colors.

* * *

Blaise was at his _wit's end_.

Not only was he heading to Gryffindor Tower at ten at night, he was dragging an enthusiastic (read: despicable) Theodore Nott along with him. Theo had declined to grab a pillow and blanket for the night, instead choosing to bring along nothing but the bowl of chips he'd been snacking on when Draco kicked him out.

 _What was the wanker expecting, asking to join in?_ Blaise stewed. It was bad enough Theo was literally cheering from the sidelines with a bowl of snacks, but to dare suggest he put his hands on the love of Draco's life? Theo was too horny for his own good. Case in point: he hadn't even been deterred by being kicked out of his own dorm. He'd only laughed and continued to recount the events of Draco and Hermione's lovemaking to Blaise as the boys walked, acting as though it was a Quidditch game and he was the commentator, acting as though Blaise hadn't been there and _heard enough already_!

When they entered the Gryffindor common room, only two Gryffs were taking up residence: Potter and Weasley. Potter took one look at Theo's grin and Blaise's _I've seen death_ expression and scrubbed his hands down his face. Weasley immediately got to his feet, made some wisecrack about too many Slytherins on his territory for his liking, and stalked up the stairs to the boys' dorms.

Blaise started for the stairs to the girls' dorms, but immediately came to a halt when he realized Theo was trying to follow him.

"No way," the pissed off wizard said firmly. "There is one empty bed up there, and I refuse to share it with you, you pervert. You can sleep down here."

And he was gone.

Harry watched as Theo, still chipper as ever and faintly nodding at the memory of Hermione… _doing it_ with Malfoy, made himself comfortable on the Gryffindor couch and popped a chip in his mouth.

"You should've heard them, Potter," he gleefully announced. "They were really going at it tonight."

Promptly realizing his options were to stay there with Theo and have nightmares, or go to his dorm room and play Twenty Questions with Ron, Harry took out his wand and transfigured himself a pillow and a blanket. With the pillow in his hand and the blanket thrown over his shoulder, he quickly made his way out of Gryffindor Tower and over to Ravenclaw Tower. With any luck, he'd cross paths with a sleepwalking Luna who would hopefully take pity on the Boy Who Wasn't Sure He Wanted To Live Anymore and let him sleep in her House's common room for the night…


End file.
